Have you ever wanted to stand on the tallest Mountain and just scream"Thank you, you gave me my life back." 1 month ago Laurel Holloman and Jennifer Beals gave me my life back and the ripple effect that this is having on my son with Autism and Apraxia is like a being graced with a miracle.
It is February 28, 2010 and I am excited to say I am back from a 5 year gray cloud auto-pilot depression. A straight friend recommended I watch "The L Word." I thought she was insane. I said , why would I watch our lives. We are lipstick lesbians,professionals with adopted children. But I did it. I was 100% wrong.
I sat alone on my bed and watched. I sobbed for hours. I sat holding my laptop watched and could see who I was and "what" I was no longer. I saw my life. My old life. I had passion and lived for purpose. I had that connection with my partner just like Bette and Tina. It is almost like a char-ma that places you together. Not even chemistry it is greater than that. It is a connection from the spiritual center of ourselves. I remembered feeling sexy and feeling that intimate passion where you just want to completely take that other person in. I could feel that the woman in me was lost. I felt it in my inner being. After a huge emotional hang-over I felt almost this "grace," come over me and I felt "alive," again. It was like this amazing spiritual 2x4 that embraced me and grabbed my soul.
What happened? So freaking much. But I am back.. and the best part is my son with Autism and Apraxia is riding my coat-tails of living for purpose. He feels it. How do I know? He told me. He said with his arms wide open "You eem appy, I lub you." My eyes filled up and I just held him and he let me. It was moment I will always cherish.
I am sober (17 years)lesbian Mom, 2 great children(7 and 3), beautiful partner of 10 years, business owner(also 10 years), 5 dogs a pony and I wonder why I went on auto-pilot. My 7 year old has Autism and Global and Verbal Apraxia.
I think when Jacob was diagnosed with Autism and Apraxia I just went into a place of "stay in the solution." Whatever it took. But a part of me just shut down..
Our son was poisoned from the waters in Guatemala. They thought he had cerebral palsy. They actually asked if we wanted to cancel the adoption, We both responded, Oh My God "No," we want to get him home and help him. He came home when he was 13 months. He has arsenic poisoning. He has Autism and Global Apraxia. . Which means the speech did not fire until he was 4(still struggles) and he has very low muscle tone.
So from seeing Doctors that did the "he will grow out of it,"(conventional madness) to finally finding a miracle worker from Johns Hopkins that is a Neuro-Development Pediatrician and DAN Doctor. At 2.5 years old Jacob had and MRI, EEG, blood, urine, stool, hair tested. We wanted to know what was going on with Jacob. Not some cocktail or guessing game.
Today he gets OT, PT, Speech Therapy, Sensory, Horse back riding, GFCF, 12 supplements 2x day, chelation, HBOT, therapy swing in the house.. and sign language is our second language. It of course was our primary language until he had verbal words. However, sign language gave our son a voice when verbal speech did not fire.
He is mainstreamed in First Grade with Pull Outs and has a Paraprofessional for 2 hours a day.
What a ride. My partner went to work land and I went to horse land. We both coped with Jacob's diagnosis but differently. It is kind of like AA when they say, "One day at a time," but you know it is the the rest of your life.
It hits you. He may never get married or have friends, never finish High School, never hold a job, never live on his own. What happens if something happens to us? A times a blanket of panic takes over. So what did I do, stay in the solution to help him. Pray, meditate and flip another stone.
Than just when you think thinks are getting maybe a little easier society kicks the crap out of you. Every where you go people staring , kids pointing and than there is the day he notices and your heart just breaks into a million pieces.
So..auto-pilot just kept happening for survival.
Than from the talent of Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman, I am back. My wife said to me holding my hands,"Welcome back, I missed you."
I'm here to be extraordinary for me, for my family for all. I here to live for purpose with passion that radiates again from my inner core.
You completed made a difference.
Thank you,
Kelly
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